Monday, September 28th, 2009
It’s been hard. Anybody who has been in, or is currently in, the same situation can tell you. So many what-if’s. So many questions. So many regrets. So many depressing nights. Sometimes I want to pick up the phone and beg. Sometimes I stand firm by my decision and tell myself that I am strong and can cope. Usually I find a way to tell myself that I am wrong, no matter how I look at it.
Now pardon me while I type my thoughts, hopefully they are coherent and readable.
July or August of 2005, I can’t remember the exact month/day off hand, is when I said those four words. “I want a divorce.” I had said them before, though. Never a good thing to do, I know, I know. This time, though, I meant it. I was tired of everything. Fed up with it all and could not take it anymore. I will be happier, my son will be happier, and eventually – she will be happier. Some drama and a hospital visit later, I am driving from Washington, dropping her and my beautiful, wonderful son off at her parents house and driving back to Texas – alone. Back in Texas to start over and work towards a less stressful and happier life.
Whatever.
I’ve a strong and opinionated personality (well, I think so, anyway – but what the hell do I know?). I could not get over everything she was doing wrong and I could not get over the fact that she was unable to fix anything. Why should I be her father and baby her through changes? She’s an adult, she can figure out how to make things right, how to do what is required to meet my expectations and make me happy. Holy shit I’m an asshole.
Fast forward to today. We’re still not divorced, but we aren’t together. How come I haven’t let go? Financial difficulty is the excuse I’ve been using. I’m sure if I tried I could afford it, but why am I making excuses? Am I having trouble letting go because deep down I think there’s a chance? Maybe I don’t want to give up what could possibly flourish into something better than it was. Calling it quits for good, finalizing the divorce would definitely make that not a possibility. But if I was so sure of everything being her fault, why am I still holding on? It’s aggravating.
More and more lately I’ve been having these thoughts that perhaps it actually wasn’t her. I mean, it was, but what I didn’t take into consideration was that — it was me, too. I was too “I’m always right” to actually realize how I was acting. Since her, I have had two or three “eLationships” (as much as I hate to admit it … loser), and upon reflection of those and why they didn’t work out, I realized that most of the time it was because of my demanding attitude. That same attitude was the fire that she was being held to. That is hard for anybody to deal with, and it makes it impossible for anybody to ever live up to your expectations.
I very well could have limited her computer time, but I felt I didn’t need to. I very well could have tried numerous counseling programs, but I refused. I guess I was too stubborn in thinking that I didn’t need a counselor to tell me I was right because to me, it was painfully obvious. I was not honest with her. I was not faithful to her. I was not nice to her … quite the contrary in fact.
I should have helped her more. I should have realized what she needed, and helped her instead of making her do it all on her own. I should have realized what I was doing wrong and asked her for help. I should have been honest with her about everything. I should have been more willing to accept error and should have been less of a grump.
She asked several times for one last chance. I kept refusing because every other time was the “one last chance” she asked for. I figured, “what would make this time any different than the last?” This is the same answer I gave her every single time she asked. Now I’m thinking that it is my time to ask. Now that I have actually come to these realizations, understood that I was a total dickhead, I feel like maybe she deserves another chance. Or … maybe it’s that I deserve another chance.
But is that why I am considering this? Because she or I deserve it? Is that any reason to potentially cause both of us, and my son, to suffer again if she or I cannot actually fix how we are? Maybe it’s because I feel sorry for her … that’s definitely not a reason to try again. Perhaps I just feel alone and that she is all I will be able to get. Yeah there’s a good reason!
Then there’s my son … oh my God I miss him. Anybody who knows me can tell you that I am so proud of my son. He is the best thing in my life. A spitting image of me, and someone whom I could not live without. I fear the most that the only reason I am considering trying to make it work is because of him. That is not a reason to force yourself into something you will be unhappy with. Yes, maybe he will be happy for a while. However, if me and my wife would be unable to make things work and they go back to the way they were, then my son will grow up seeing her and I fighting all the time, and that is nowhere near healthy for him. He’s better off growing up with separated parents than growing up in a broken home.
However since then she has made obvious changes. She has a real job. She seems more grown up and mature. She is actually striving for something now, she has found something that makes her happy and she wants a degree to continue doing it in a more permanent fashion. She has done a decent job of raising our son without me around all the time. She is living her life and doing so as an adult.
Obviously, there are many factors at play here. I don’t know what to do. Do I hold out and hope for someone smarter/prettier/skinnier/funnier/whatever_other_superficial_reason_I_may_find (no, this isn’t the only thing I think about), or do I chance it with yet another chance and potentially make our lives miserable some more. I don’t want to make the wrong decision, but it’s impossible to know the right decision. I’m flying blind here, and it sucks. Usually when I have such a conundrum, I look to someone to give me the right answer or at least set me on the right vector. This time, I can do no such thing. The decision has to be mine.
Do I call her and explain this all to her and try to give all three of us a happy life, or do I continue fishing?
Now, this goes without saying, but with a subject as intense and convoluted as this, there is a lot more to it than what I have just expressed. This is just skimming the surface of anything that could be said. I hope that I will find an answer, and find one soon, before it’s too late and a good opportunity comes and goes.
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