Monday, January 4th, 2010
I’m trying. Not hard enough, but I’m trying. I just can’t muster up the — dedication? enthusiasm? inspiration? — whatever you want to call it, to work on one. I have ideas. I can currently think of four ideas off the top of my head for games I want to make. I can open up my IDE … but when it comes to writing the code, I hit a brick fucking wall.
This is how I feel when I try to code
I don’t know why. I enjoy programming. I enjoy creating games. I’ve created games that got rave reviews (by a small group of indie game developers, anyway). I was asked for fixes, for sequels, for multiplayer. I obviously have the skill, but why can’t I do it? Games, is the only answer I have for that. I’m having more fun playing games than writing games. Why can’t I do both? I want to do both!
Some might say that if I am having such difficulty with this, then game development is not something I’m truly interested in. I don’t know, maybe they’re right, but I don’t feel they are. I just back off when I hit a hurdle. I do this with almost everything in life and it reflects in my work, my gaming, and my hobbies. Why didn’t I fix my truck? I didn’t know how. Why didn’t I complete that project? Wasn’t sure what to do to continue. Why didn’t I keep working on that game? Couldn’t wrap my head around the research I did. It’s laziness … that’s what it is. I don’t want to have to work hard, I want it to be easy. I know nothing worth striving for is easy, but I want it that way.
It’s a battle with myself that I have to fight. But how? I’ve spoken to friends about it. It’s been suggested to me to set goals for myself. Not “finish a game” type of goal, but break it down into milestones (which is actually something they taught us in school about game development). Reaching a small goal is easier than reaching a big one. But ultimately I still see the overall picture. At least, I assume I would. Every time I do this, they are mental milestones, nothing written down or nothing to keep track of them. Maybe this is my problem?
I’ve also been told to set a hard timeline for myself. Finish a game by month’s end… that’s fine and dandy, in theory. However, in practice, I know that it’s nothing but a personal goal, and letting myself down is easier than letting someone else down. I won’t get fired for not completing a personal project. Nothing bad happens if I don’t complete it, I just shrug it off and tell myself another month won’t hurt. A year later, still no finished project, because the end of the month kept turning into another month which turned into a forgotten project.
I have also tried doing smaller projects. Not games, just tech demos to see if I can make something work. I did a small demo to see if I could do reflections. And you know, it actually worked… sort of… rotate 180 degrees and the thing breaks. Yet another hurdle that stopped me in my tracks. Instead of jumping the hurdle, I quit the race, turned around and went home. Case-in-point: I tried making a mandelbrot fractal generator. I figured it would be easy to do. The theory didn’t seem too hard and the algorithm didn’t seem too difficult, but applying it to code was another story. I didn’t get it. I couldn’t figure it out. I gave up.
Me, trying to jump a complicated hurdle
I have recently considered trying to make a game again, but this time with more time management and a slightly strict one at that. Go through the process from beginning to end, don’t just throw something together. Start by making design documents. That will make it easier for me to know what to work on and what all is entailed. If my design docs get too stupid and convoluted, then I know I need to cut back. Start small! Also, work on my time management. If I get home at 5:30, then I can devote the next 30 minutes to relaxing. then from 6-8 I can devote to programming, and from 8-zzz I can play games. That accomplishes both goals, right? Play games AND make games? And if I get sucked into my programming and forego playing in order to make, then right on. Lastly, set a timeline for myself. But not just for myself, for people who will play the game. Give myself a reason to get a game out on a schedule and perhaps I will stick to it, that way I’m not letting other people down.
We will see. I have ideas. I know what I want to make. I just need to write them down. Perhaps a game design book. Artists have sketch books, why can’t I have a game idea book?
Hmmm … we shall see what happens. We shall see…
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